9 more to go

I spent 30 minutes this morning staring at one woman and now I’m in trouble — only 13 more minutes on the clock, and 9 more women to go.

What I love most about such research is its pinpoint accuracy.

The average man will spend almost 43 minutes a day staring at 10 different women.

That adds up to 259 hours – almost 11 days – each year, making a total 11 months and 11 days between the ages of 18 and 50.

But researchers found that the males of the species are not the only ones admiring the opposite sex as women sneak a peek at six men for just over 20 minutes a day, on average.

That adds up to almost six months spent admiring men from afar between the ages of 18 and 50.

This whole thing has made me a nervous wreck. For starters, I’m over 50 — so I’ve begun to worry about (a) How much time I am allowed to ogle on an average per day and how many women I have to eye to retain my standing as an average male, since the research is not forthcoming on my age group and (b) More crucially, how many women will likely ogle me, since the research only contains data relating to my under-50 peers.

If that is the quantitative conundrum, there is also the qualitative one. Love is not love, says research, if you don’t hold the woman’s eye for a minimum of 8.2 seconds [We won’t talk of the size of my pupils just now].

Therein, for me, lies the catch. 8.2 seconds is the heck of a long time if you are merely staring into someone else’s eyes.

Try it. Caught my eye? Good, now, on the count of three, hold…

One-rhinoceros, two-rhinoceros, three-rhinoceros, four-rhinoceros, five-rhinoceros…

Looked away already, didn’t you? So see what I mean?

Last time I tried this stunt [which should ideally come with statutory warnings about trained professionals and closed courses], I managed to hold the opposite number’s eye for what felt like an eternity.

Just to be sure, I glanced down at my watch: Elapsed time, 7.9 seconds.

Damn! Missed by less than the gap between Usain Bolt and whatsisface, but it still meant I went home alone — where I spent a long, lonely night trying to figure out how to hold a girl’s eye while simultaneously looking at my watch without developing a pronounced squint.